Daily Excerpt: Widow: Survival Guide for the First Year (Romer) - Being Alone
Excerpt from Widow: A Survival Guide for the First Year --
CHAPTER
ONE
Being
Alone
When I was in my mid-20s, I worked at Cosmopolitan Magazine as an Assistant Editor. My tenure there was short (barely a year), but because my editor liked me I was able to secure freelance assignments in later years. Writing for Cosmo, I learned that almost any problem can be remedied with concentrated self-nurturing and a few well thought-out lists. And so, throughout the years, I was able to handle two divorces, three marriages, many job changes and the untimely deaths of both my parents (although this last occurrence required the help of a very nice therapist).
When Jack, my
beloved husband of 16 years, died at the age of 71, I was devastated. There
were days in those first months when I really didn’t see what I had to live
for. Other times, I believed that I too would soon leave this earth, and so I
scampered around trying to get my affairs in order. If you are a recent widow,
you’re probably aware of both these stages.
Such feelings,
fortunately, are usually transitory. With a little guidance from your wiser
self, you can limit the time spent feeling like there is nothing to live for.
As far as getting your affairs in order, this is actually a rather effective
diversion from the early days of mourning, and strangely comforting, like
cleaning up after a good party.
There are two
important rules to consider right away, perhaps as early as the day following
the memorial service. The first is gratitude: be thankful for all the wonderful
years you had with that lovely man. The second rule, equally as important, is
to do something for someone else. By remembering all the good years, and
occupying your time by thinking up ways to help others, you may find yourself
getting through the first couple of weeks in relative calm.
The truth about
being a widow is that you are forced to live in the moment. Each day calls for
decisions the likes of which you’ve never had to make before, such as where
you’ll spend your first Christmas without your husband, or how you’re going to
clean the air conditioning ducts. It’s not the decision itself that’s so hard;
it’s the fact that it reminds you that you’re alone, and that your dear husband
is not there to make it with you. No matter how long-lasting his illness, and no
matter how many times you rehearsed what you’d do when that terrible moment
came---inevitably, you weren’t ready. Oh, you carried out your duties
perfectly, but inside, you were yelling, “Wait! I’m not ready!”
Perhaps six months
will go by, and you’ll still be saying, “I’m not ready.” Let’s face it; we
never want to be without our loved ones. Coming to terms with widowhood is no
easy task. You may experience a strange, soupy sensation in your head; you
can’t focus and you don’t want to. Finding yourself a widow feels like suddenly
realizing that part of your limbs are missing. You might discover yourself
looking over your shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of your husband---before
you remember he’s no longer with you. It’s a shock, and it happens over and
over. You wonder, where is he? Then it hits you: he’s gone.
There is an odd
disorientation in finding yourself alone this way. It’s not like being at home
when your husband was traveling for business or visiting relatives---some of us
used that time, gratefully, to catch up on things (especially if we too had a
job). This is different; there’s nothing to catch up on, you think, because
everything’s over. At least that’s
how you may feel at first. You wander around the house, wondering what to
do---or you have to get out of the house; you can’t stay there, because it’s so
empty. Maybe you find yourself unable to think
in your home---that’s quite common. You begin to do something, forget what
you’re doing, and start crying in frustration. Maybe your ears are ringing, and
you can’t seem to stop it.
It’s called grief.
All of it: the physical as well as the emotional symptoms.
And not only do you
have your own emotions to deal with, you have the feelings of others: your
spouse’s brothers, sisters, cousins, and your children, whether all together or
separately you have to deal with their grief as well. You may even have his
parents to consider if they are alive, or yours. Often you may find yourself,
in the first few months, putting your own feelings aside to be dealt with
later, while you comfort some of those relatives who may have been taken by
surprise. Perform this service gladly---it will fit in with one of the
above-mentioned rules, which I’m going to talk about further: “do something
nice for someone else.”
But don’t
worry---you’ll have plenty of support for yourself. People are extremely nice
to widows, maybe because they know it’s part of the romantic mystery of life
and love. And if you don’t get enough comforting, this book will help you learn
how to comfort yourself, perhaps in ways you’ve never dreamed of.
So take a deep
breath, dear widow, and prepare yourself for a journey such as you’ve never
known before. The journey will take you through all the stages of your love for
your husband, and beyond. Ultimately, your voyage will lead you to your deepest
self, the self you know best, but have perhaps forgotten in your grief.
GUIDELNES FOR
LEARNING TO LIVE ALONE AS A WIDOW:
1.
Get out of bed every day, wash your face and eat something. Even if you spend the
day in bed (and that’s okay, as long as you don’t do it regularly), you will
have gotten up and greeted the morning---very important!
2.
Make a list at the beginning of the
week of everything you’d like to accomplish, Monday through Friday. You can
have the weekend off.
3.
Do at least three-fourths of what’s on
that list.
4.
Make sure you have unlimited phone
time, if you can afford it. Friends and relatives should be available to you at
all hours, for as long as you want. (This is so important you can even
substitute it for a vacation. You may not feel like traveling extensively
anyhow.)
5.
Eat dinner. If you don’t like to cook,
get take-out, go out with a friend or buy a barbecued chicken at the grocery
store. Don’t deprive yourself of food.
6.
On the other hand, don’t gorge. If you
have a tendency to turn to food for solace, get that under control as soon as
possible, with Lean Cuisine, salads or the Leave 1/3 Diet (more on that later).
A lot of what you’re going through has to do with self-esteem---getting fat
won’t do much for how you view yourself.
7.
Go out and buy something nice for
yourself the first week of your widowhood. It could be a new lamp, a bottle of
perfume, or a new pair of pajamas---something that brings you comfort. If you
don’t have much money, indulge in some scented body lotion, a bouquet of
flowers or a writing journal with a pretty cover. (These can be had for as
little as $8 at your nearby Barnes & Noble. You’re going to need one
eventually---might as well get it now.)
8.
Establish some schedules with your
friends. Maybe one of your single women friends is available on Saturday
nights: go to the movies or out to dinner with her. A working friend with many
responsibilities may only be available on Friday afternoons for lunch; a busy
retired woman who volunteers at numerous organizations may be available on
Tuesdays and Thursdays. All your friends will want to see you, and you can
usually arrange something on an on-going basis with your closest pals. You
don’t have to occupy yourself with friends every day of the week---but
establishing some sort of routine will ease your anxiety about being alone so
much so suddenly. (After all, you and
your husband probably had a little routine for going out---you’re used to
that.)
9.
Make your bed and wash the dishes every
day. (All right, we said you could have occasional days spent in bed. You don’t
have to make your bed that day.)
10. Do
nice things for yourself as often as possible. It doesn’t have to be much. It
can be stopping by a park on the way home from the grocery store and looking at
the trees. It can be wearing a favorite piece of jewelry for no particular
reason. You can go to Starbucks for a café mocha (or get one at McDonald’s);
take a bubble bath in the middle of the day; go swimming at your neighborhood
pool. You can stay up late and watch an old sitcom on TV, or spend a couple of
hours looking up frivolous information on the Internet---like vacation homes in
Tuscany, or bios of movie stars---things you normally wouldn’t take the time to
do. You can buy yourself a new lipstick before the old one is used up, or treat
yourself to an apple turnover for breakfast. But whatever you do, don’t feel guilty
doing it. Remember, your husband would not want you to be miserable. You owe it
to him to take care of yourself.
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