Daily Excerpt: He's a Porn Addict....Now What? (Overbay and Shea) - Can a guy really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with?

 

excerpt from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea) - 

Can a guy really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with?

 

Tony, the mental health professional:

 I know from working with enough addicts that the typical reason someone is addicted to pornography is that it’s a coping mechanism for the parts of their life that they aren't satisfied with and it becomes an addiction they turn to again and again despite the isolation and shame. The pictures in the magazines and the images that they're watching in the videos are an unhealthy escape.

But unfortunately, even when they aren’t isolated and are with their wives, they are still preoccupied with the fantasy imagery. A lot of the clients I work with admit they think of pornography when they are intimate with their wives. For young men, the growing rates of erectile dysfunction because of pornography is staggering. They are now growing up with such an unhealthy diet of porn and pictures that they are clearly seeking pixels over people and it shows up in the inability to perform physically because the real person in front of them may not have the perfect body, or may not look as excited to be with them as the women on their computer screens.

Once one jumps into that hole of thinking about pornography while being intimate with their partner, it’s difficult for them to get themselves out. I’ll sit with a husband and wife in a group session and the man will begin to talk about how often he objectifies women. It doesn’t have to be porn. It can just be looking at a woman’s breasts instead of her eyes when he’s talking, or his eyes going straight to a woman’s backside if he passes by them.

I don’t think I’ve met a woman yet who hasn’t been absolutely appalled and shocked when she hears how much her husband objectifies women, even in the cases where porn isn’t a problem in the relationship. Obviously porn pours gasoline on the fire with the concept of objectification.

Knowing what we know about the way the theater of the mind works, the unfortunate reality is there is most likely some comparison happening. But there is hope! As men recognize their unhealthy relationships with porn and their sexuality, they can truly begin to heal. The first step is bringing awareness to these types of behaviors, like objectification, because they can truly find themselves being aware of looking at a woman and then gently bringing the focus elsewhere.

 

Josh, the former pornography addict:

I’m sure there are some who can, but if your man is a pornography addict, he’s probably not in that rare category.

There are a lot of ways to make comparisons. My guess is that you’re wondering if he thought about the women he saw in porn when he was with you. Maybe. Pornography represented a fantasy world of no problems, no responsibility and endless sex with whoever he wanted. You represent the real world of bills, screaming children, making a living, responsibility and sex with the same person for the 1,000^th time.

I think the bigger question here is what real harm does that fantasy cause and is it really connected to his porn addiction—or are humans just hardwired for fantasy? You’ve got enough going on with the real problem of his pornography addiction. His fantasy world should eventually be addressed with a professional, but for the moment, it’s not the most pressing issue. It’s like rushing to the emergency room with a bullet wound and the nurse pointing out he has a hangnail.

Depending on how you view it, his thinking about being with someone else—whether they were an actor in pornography or just a random person on the street—may be some kind of betrayal or even emotional cheating. If it is a big deal, make note of it so you can address it later, but for now, it shouldn’t be among the top priorities. It would have just clouded things for me at the time.

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