Daily Excerpt: Anger Anonymous (Ortman) - Introduction
excerpt from Anger Anonymous -
INTRODUCTION
ANGER ANONYMOUS:
THE BIG BOOK ON ANGER
ADDICTION
“Anyone
can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to
the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right
way—that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
—Aristotle
Anger arises
within us with a warning label: “Handle with extreme caution!” It is a fire
that can give light and warmth to sustain life when well managed, or it can
burn and incinerate when out of control. Anger possesses a power that
fascinates and disturbs. Even though we witness its devastating effects in
broken relationships, violence, and war, we relish the momentary sense of power
we feel when enraged. “Anger is one letter short of danger,” the saying goes.
Society respects
anger’s dangerous potential. It makes laws against violent behavior. Parents
teach their children to manage their temper. Religion cautions against becoming
slaves of passion and offers practices for developing self-control. Yet despite
these warnings and our best efforts working with this difficult emotion, we may
feel powerless in its grip. After suffering the devastating effects of its
excess, we may secretly admit to ourselves, “I’m powerless over my anger, and
my life has become unmanageable because of it.” It may dawn on us that we are
addicted to it.
A
PERSONAL NOTE
My own struggles
with anger made writing this book a difficult personal journey. Reflecting on
the meaning of anger and how to work with it effectively led me to a personal
exploration. My anger frightened me, so I swallowed it. I did not recognize the
depth of my fear and buried anger and their impact on my life. Without
realizing it, my emotional life had become unmanageable.
Growing up, I
received many confusing messages about anger. My father was a gentle, honest
man—until he drank. Then he became a roaring and scary monster. Dr. Jekyll by
day, he transformed to Mr. Hyde some nights. I later realized how much rage my
father must have forced down behind his normally placid façade. He spent three
years fighting the Germans during the war and undoubtedly suffered from
post-traumatic stress disorder. He drank to drown his demons. My mother must
have shared in his personal hell as she endured his drunken rages. She
displayed her anger with criticisms and corrections. “If you do something, do
it right,” she used to say. That meant doing it her way.
I coped with the
insecurity of my childhood by becoming a quiet, compliant, over-achieving
child, “a good little boy.” Terrified of becoming like my out of control
father, I buried my anger so deep it escaped my notice. However, it leaked out
in subtle ways. I enjoyed war movies, played with guns, and built a fort behind
our garage. Thoughts of fighting and victory filled my young mind. In school, I
would not tolerate anything less than an A grade. Playing sports and board
games, I hated to lose. I secretly wanted to be the best at whatever I did and
beat others. In short, I became a passive-aggressive perfectionist, often
impatient with my own and others’ foibles. The debris of judgmental thoughts
floated around in my head.
As an adult I
pursued noble helping professions, first as a priest, and then as a
psychologist. I could preserve my “nice guy” image within my admired role. As I
am becoming more aware and accepting of the gift of my own anger, I am anxious
to share what I am learning. “We teach what we need to learn,” wisdom tells us.
JASON’S
STORY
Jason had worked
at his computer sales company for ten years. He gained a reputation for being a
hardworking, conscientious, and loyal employee. His sales figures were always
near the top. When a sales manager position became available, Jason immediately
applied for it, certain he would be promoted. His boss encouraged him to apply
and seemed to suggest that the job was his for the taking.
When someone
else was chosen for the job, Jason was stunned. What added insult to injury was
the fact that the man chosen had worked at the company for only five years, and
Jason had trained him. “That’s unfair,” Jason told himself and anyone who would
listen. He felt betrayed by his boss and protested, “How could I have been
passed over? You told me the job was mine!”
His boss could
only offer lame apologies, “The higher ups have their own agenda.”
After the
initial disbelief and disappointment, anger set in. His wife and friends tried
to comfort him, agreeing that it was unfair. Jason considered for a moment
whether he should quit, but he was not confident he could find a comparable
salary elsewhere. So he continued to go to work, but his heart was not in it as
it was before. He could not shake the idea that he was treated unfairly. His
resentment grew.
His
preoccupation with the injustice invaded his sleep. He had dreams of throttling
his boss. Each morning, he awakened tired and dreading the day. In the shower,
he obsessed, “How could this happen to me after all I gave to the company?” He
became more irritable with his family. Everything seemed to annoy him. At work,
he avoided his boss and the man who stole his job. He withdrew from his
coworkers and spent as little time as possible at the office. Jason could not
relax. He developed back and stomach pain. He sensed the anger was eating him
alive.
Jason thought
about his father, who had an explosive temper. He always told himself, “I’ll
never be like him.” He learned to swallow his anger and always keep himself
under control. He nurtured a calm façade that served him well in his
profession. But with the loss of the promotion he had set his heart on, his
tranquility evaporated.
Now the
resentment took over his life, and he felt powerless to let it go.
ANGER
AS A DRUG
Many label anger
a negative emotion because it can be as toxic as any drug. Indulged without
restraint, it causes untold wreckage to lives and relationships. When swallowed
out of fear, it becomes a poison. It seeps into the body, making you depressed,
nervous, and physically sick, and leaks out in passive-aggressive behavior.
I prefer to call
anger a difficult emotion because of the intensity of the energy it produces.
The problem with anger is not in the feeling itself, which is natural, but in
how it is expressed. It can be expressed beneficially in appropriately
assertive behavior and in protesting injustice. Problems occur, however, when
that energy is either under-controlled or over-controlled. Unchecked, it can
result in aggressive, harmful behavior that destroys people and relationships.
If internalized, it can wreak havoc with your body and emotions.
Anger is a
natural energy that helps you to survive when handled with care, compassion,
and wisdom. For example, if you feel bullied in a relationship, anger empowers
you to set limits. However, that energy can also be allowed to build up to
explosive levels and erupt in violent behavior towards yourself and others. You
may feel possessed by the demon anger and powerless to channel that energy in
wholesome ways. You become preoccupied with the wrongs done to you and dwell on
revenge. You doubt you can resist striking out at those who treated you
unfairly. Enemies appear everywhere as the anger takes over your psyche. When
your anger becomes excessive, you feel out of control.
The frequency of
road rage signals the overpowering presence of anger in our culture and in
ourselves. One woman related to me, “My daughter just started driving. I told
her to just look ahead at stop lights. If you make eye contact, you may invite
trouble.”
While there is
no formal diagnosis of an anger disorder, the hostile mood accompanies many
other clinical diagnoses. Nearly half of those who are depressed develop an
irritable mood. Depression has been described as “anger turned inward,” because
it often results in harsh self-criticism and suicidal violence. Many suffering
from anxiety lash out at others when their routines are upset or they are
forced out of their comfort zones. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with
bipolar disorder become irritable when manic. Aggressive behavior is also
frequent. Resentment is a driving force in addiction to alcohol and drugs. Many
alcoholics and drug addicts become angry and violent when under the influence
(1).
Even though you
may not be diagnosed with an anger disorder, you may believe you have an anger
sickness. The fire of rage may burn in you, and you feel powerless to
extinguish it. You may see yourself as a “rageholic” or “grudgeholic.” Your
anger may take on an addictive quality. You both love and hate being
intoxicated with it. One patient admitted to me, “My anger gives me a rush that
exhilarates me for a minute—and then it turns against me.” If you wonder if you
are addicted to anger, ask yourself the following questions:
·
Do you often feel overwhelmed by your aggressive
impulses and unable to control your temper?
·
Do you consider your anger excessive, even
crippling at times?
·
Do you feel a secret pleasure in the sense of
power your anger gives you?
·
Does your preoccupation with the unfairness of
life and being wronged interfere with your happiness?
·
Does your need for power and control seem
excessive, interfering with your relationships?
·
Has your life become unmanageable because of
your anger?
·
Do you feel hopeless about finding a cure for
your anger?
You may
discover, if you are honest with yourself, that you both love and hate your
anger. On the one hand, it gives you an adrenaline rush and you feel
momentarily powerful. You take pleasure in standing up for yourself, telling
people off, or intimidating others to do your bidding. Revenge can feel sweet.
On the other hand, after your aggressive displays, you feel shame and guilt for
your behavior. You hate being out of control. The broken relationships and the
hurt you cause those you love make you grieve. Anger can act like a stimulant
drug that energizes you and causes you to act insane. “Mad” and “madness” share
the same root word.
You may think of
addiction only as a chemical dependency on substances like alcohol, drugs, or
nicotine. You may even consider some compulsive behaviors, like gambling,
shopping, and over-eating or over-sexing, addictive. Nevertheless, mood states
and habits of thinking can also possess an addictive quality. For example,
anxiety, fear, and worry may act like a stimulant drug. You become preoccupied
with the dangers in life, worst-case scenarios, and a sense of helplessness, so
you withdraw from life into a safety zone. Sadness and a depressed mood may
simulate a sedative-hypnotic, causing you to sleepwalk through life. You focus
on past painful losses and disengage from the present. You can become stuck in
these moods and ways of thinking, powerless to extricate yourself (2).
As helpless as
you feel in the grip of anger and hatred, there is a way out. Your desperate
sense of hopelessness can be a prelude to new life.
STEPS
TO A NEW LIFE
The most
effective recovery program for the many forms of addiction, including anger,
was born in the United States—the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a
distinctively American technology for healing, growth, and leading a better
life. Initially begun by Bill Wilson for alcoholics, its approach to addictive
behavior has been so successful that those with a host of other problems, such
as gambling, sex addiction, and over-eating, have benefited from working the
program. Its practical wisdom can help anyone serious about personal growth,
not only those with emotional and behavioral disturbances.
While uniquely
American, the Twelve Steps of AA also has a universal appeal because it is
rooted in common-sense human wisdom. Grown in our native soil, it is a
flowering of seeds planted from the beginning of our history as a nation. What
is so American about this program? AA is built on the following values:
Rugged Individualism. Our pilgrim
predecessors sailed across the ocean to the new world on a quest for freedom.
They wanted independence from the political-religious establishment that
persecuted them. They left their familiar home to begin a new life. They
affirmed the dignity of the human person. Looking inward and trusting their own
experience, they undertook a courageous journey. Questioning their inherited
traditions, they took personal responsibility to build a new life for
themselves.
Alcoholics
Anonymous encourages its members to take responsibility for their own lives,
not blaming others, and to seek freedom from their oppressive addictions. Just
as the Lone Ranger had Tonto, the program also emphasizes the need for
companionship on the soul-searching journey of recovery. AA is a fellowship of
rugged individuals who walk the road less travelled.
Moral Idealism. Our ancestors came to
found a nation that promised liberty and justice for all. Contrary to the
monarchy of their homeland, they established a democracy in which all would
have a voice in the government. Our Puritan founders were deeply religious and
wanted all to exercise freedom of conscience in choosing their own beliefs.
They undertook an “errand into the wilderness” and saw themselves as
missionaries bringing their faith to the Promised Land.
The AA program
is spiritual without aligning with any religious denomination. It invites its
members to look inward, discover their own Higher Power, and live a
value-directed life.
Practical Action. We Americans are impatient with idle
speculation. We are a people of action who set goals, plan strategies, and get
results. Our ancestors taught us to work hard to achieve our goals. We want a
better life now, and not just in the afterlife. We are willing to try new
technologies to improve the world and our lives.
Alcoholics
Anonymous encourages that enterprising spirit. It offers practical wisdom and
insists that its members actively work the program. Diligently working the
program, with the help of God, promises results.
Pioneering Spirit. Our pilgrim ancestors
left the security of their homeland and undertook a perilous voyage to an
unknown land. They built a new home for themselves, but they did not settle
down. Their curiosity and courage drove them to explore unfamiliar territory to
the west. An adventurous spirit possessed them. They did not rest with
convention, but displayed minds and hearts open to the new.
The steps of AA
defy conventional wisdom as a path to healing and growth. They propose an
upside-down therapy, a surprising path to recovery. However, upon deeper
reflection they reveal an ageless wisdom, a trustworthy guide to the good life.
The Twelve Steps can be summarized in four leaps of faith beyond ordinary
expectations:
·
Embrace the discomfort of your anger and learn
its message. Don’t try simply to control or get rid of it.
·
Trust in your Higher Power. Expand your ordinary
consciousness.
·
Your anger is not the problem, only a symptom of
the problem. It reveals where you may be stuck in life. Explore and remove the
character defects it shows.
·
Help yourself by helping others. Move from an
anger-driven life to a value-directed one.
Working the
steps leads you to the antidote to anger—forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process
that involves letting go of your anger and your desire for revenge against
those who wronged you. It also requires transforming the energy of your anger
into compassion and kindness.
The word
forgiveness (fore-give) means, “to give ahead of time.” As giving, it is an act
of generosity, a gift. Given ahead of time, it is offered before it is deserved
or earned by the offending party. You forgive for your own sake, to free yourself
from bondage to your wrath. The miracle of forgiveness is that you are healed
by extending yourself to the one who harmed you.
HOW
TO USE THIS BOOK
This book is
divided into two parts. The first four chapters of part one describe what anger
looks like, its similarity to addiction, how it develops, and how it shapes the
personality. The second part presents an overview of the Twelve Steps and how
each of the steps can be used as a practical guide to recovering from and
growing through anger. Practices are offered as recovery aids. The case
examples are composites of the stories of various patients, with details
changed sufficiently to protect their confidentiality.
The Twelve Steps
arose from a group experience. Bill Wilson consulted with many others, formed
support groups, and refined the steps. The steps were formulated from the
experience of alcoholics who gathered with a common goal, to become sober and
improve their lives. They gathered in small groups to share their life
experiences and work the steps. Within the fellowship they found support,
understanding, and hope.
Anger is often
treated in a group setting, such as anger management classes or therapy groups.
You cannot heal from your addiction to anger alone. You need the support and
encouragement of others on this perilous journey. I recommend that you use this
book, not alone, but with at least one companion. It may be a therapist, a spouse,
a close friend, or another who also struggles with anger. For example, I have
several patients who use the exercises in the book and talk about what they
learn in sessions. You need good company to succeed.
You may decide
to join a support group. Many anger management groups focus on learning to
control your anger. I suggest you view anger as your friend, not your enemy,
and learn to listen to its wisdom. You may seek out a group like Emotions
Anonymous, which uses the Twelve Steps as a guide for working through and
learning from various emotional struggles, including anger.
My dream is that
groups emerge that use the Twelve Steps specifically for developing a healthy
relationship with anger. I would call them Anger Anonymous groups. You may feel
inspired to gather a self-help group yourself. You are not alone in your suffering.
If you choose
not to join with others, you can benefit from working with this book alone and
using the exercises at the end of the chapters to aid in your own recovery. The
steps need to be worked, not just thought about. For personal transformation,
they must become a daily practice. Habits, which can prove stubborn, require
concerted effort to be changed.
Family members
can also benefit from this book. They can come to understand and accept their
own sense of powerlessness to overcome the anger addiction of their loved ones.
They need to resist being pulled into your anger and becoming anger addicted
themselves.
Mental health
professionals who treat angry patients may benefit from the book’s presentation
of a new way to think about anger and its treatment.
Clergy and
religious authorities may appreciate the book’s suggestions that a spiritual
outlook and practice can enhance psychological wellbeing. It may provide them
with a new way of looking at spirituality, presented in contemporary,
this-worldly language.
At
the heart of the anger addiction is the desire for control and power. Being out
of control, not getting what you want, is the cause of your suffering. Anger
arises from your unfulfilled expectations. It gives you a temporary feeling of
power when you really feel helpless. As you work the steps, you will gain a
different perspective on power, as expressed in Tao te Ching (3):
The Master’s power is like this.
He lets all things come and go
effortlessly without desire.
He never expects results;
thus he is never disappointed.
He is never disappointed;
thus his spirit never grows old (55).
A
mind rejecting reality fuels anger. My wish is that this book may aid you in surrendering
to the abundance already present in your life. Living with calm acceptance and
gratitude is the way to a joyful life.
Book of the Year finalist
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For more book excerpts, click HERE.
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