Daily Excerpt: Anger Anonymous (Ortman) - Introduction

  



excerpt from Anger Anonymous - 

INTRODUCTION

ANGER ANONYMOUS:

THE BIG BOOK ON ANGER ADDICTION

“Anyone can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

—Aristotle

 

Anger arises within us with a warning label: “Handle with extreme caution!” It is a fire that can give light and warmth to sustain life when well managed, or it can burn and incinerate when out of control. Anger possesses a power that fascinates and disturbs. Even though we witness its devastating effects in broken relationships, violence, and war, we relish the momentary sense of power we feel when enraged. “Anger is one letter short of danger,” the saying goes.

Society respects anger’s dangerous potential. It makes laws against violent behavior. Parents teach their children to manage their temper. Religion cautions against becoming slaves of passion and offers practices for developing self-control. Yet despite these warnings and our best efforts working with this difficult emotion, we may feel powerless in its grip. After suffering the devastating effects of its excess, we may secretly admit to ourselves, “I’m powerless over my anger, and my life has become unmanageable because of it.” It may dawn on us that we are addicted to it.

A PERSONAL NOTE

My own struggles with anger made writing this book a difficult personal journey. Reflecting on the meaning of anger and how to work with it effectively led me to a personal exploration. My anger frightened me, so I swallowed it. I did not recognize the depth of my fear and buried anger and their impact on my life. Without realizing it, my emotional life had become unmanageable.

Growing up, I received many confusing messages about anger. My father was a gentle, honest man—until he drank. Then he became a roaring and scary monster. Dr. Jekyll by day, he transformed to Mr. Hyde some nights. I later realized how much rage my father must have forced down behind his normally placid façade. He spent three years fighting the Germans during the war and undoubtedly suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. He drank to drown his demons. My mother must have shared in his personal hell as she endured his drunken rages. She displayed her anger with criticisms and corrections. “If you do something, do it right,” she used to say. That meant doing it her way.

I coped with the insecurity of my childhood by becoming a quiet, compliant, over-achieving child, “a good little boy.” Terrified of becoming like my out of control father, I buried my anger so deep it escaped my notice. However, it leaked out in subtle ways. I enjoyed war movies, played with guns, and built a fort behind our garage. Thoughts of fighting and victory filled my young mind. In school, I would not tolerate anything less than an A grade. Playing sports and board games, I hated to lose. I secretly wanted to be the best at whatever I did and beat others. In short, I became a passive-aggressive perfectionist, often impatient with my own and others’ foibles. The debris of judgmental thoughts floated around in my head.

As an adult I pursued noble helping professions, first as a priest, and then as a psychologist. I could preserve my “nice guy” image within my admired role. As I am becoming more aware and accepting of the gift of my own anger, I am anxious to share what I am learning. “We teach what we need to learn,” wisdom tells us.

JASON’S STORY

Jason had worked at his computer sales company for ten years. He gained a reputation for being a hardworking, conscientious, and loyal employee. His sales figures were always near the top. When a sales manager position became available, Jason immediately applied for it, certain he would be promoted. His boss encouraged him to apply and seemed to suggest that the job was his for the taking.

When someone else was chosen for the job, Jason was stunned. What added insult to injury was the fact that the man chosen had worked at the company for only five years, and Jason had trained him. “That’s unfair,” Jason told himself and anyone who would listen. He felt betrayed by his boss and protested, “How could I have been passed over? You told me the job was mine!”

His boss could only offer lame apologies, “The higher ups have their own agenda.”

After the initial disbelief and disappointment, anger set in. His wife and friends tried to comfort him, agreeing that it was unfair. Jason considered for a moment whether he should quit, but he was not confident he could find a comparable salary elsewhere. So he continued to go to work, but his heart was not in it as it was before. He could not shake the idea that he was treated unfairly. His resentment grew.

His preoccupation with the injustice invaded his sleep. He had dreams of throttling his boss. Each morning, he awakened tired and dreading the day. In the shower, he obsessed, “How could this happen to me after all I gave to the company?” He became more irritable with his family. Everything seemed to annoy him. At work, he avoided his boss and the man who stole his job. He withdrew from his coworkers and spent as little time as possible at the office. Jason could not relax. He developed back and stomach pain. He sensed the anger was eating him alive.

Jason thought about his father, who had an explosive temper. He always told himself, “I’ll never be like him.” He learned to swallow his anger and always keep himself under control. He nurtured a calm façade that served him well in his profession. But with the loss of the promotion he had set his heart on, his tranquility evaporated.

Now the resentment took over his life, and he felt powerless to let it go.

ANGER AS A DRUG

Many label anger a negative emotion because it can be as toxic as any drug. Indulged without restraint, it causes untold wreckage to lives and relationships. When swallowed out of fear, it becomes a poison. It seeps into the body, making you depressed, nervous, and physically sick, and leaks out in passive-aggressive behavior.

I prefer to call anger a difficult emotion because of the intensity of the energy it produces. The problem with anger is not in the feeling itself, which is natural, but in how it is expressed. It can be expressed beneficially in appropriately assertive behavior and in protesting injustice. Problems occur, however, when that energy is either under-controlled or over-controlled. Unchecked, it can result in aggressive, harmful behavior that destroys people and relationships. If internalized, it can wreak havoc with your body and emotions.

Anger is a natural energy that helps you to survive when handled with care, compassion, and wisdom. For example, if you feel bullied in a relationship, anger empowers you to set limits. However, that energy can also be allowed to build up to explosive levels and erupt in violent behavior towards yourself and others. You may feel possessed by the demon anger and powerless to channel that energy in wholesome ways. You become preoccupied with the wrongs done to you and dwell on revenge. You doubt you can resist striking out at those who treated you unfairly. Enemies appear everywhere as the anger takes over your psyche. When your anger becomes excessive, you feel out of control.

The frequency of road rage signals the overpowering presence of anger in our culture and in ourselves. One woman related to me, “My daughter just started driving. I told her to just look ahead at stop lights. If you make eye contact, you may invite trouble.”

While there is no formal diagnosis of an anger disorder, the hostile mood accompanies many other clinical diagnoses. Nearly half of those who are depressed develop an irritable mood. Depression has been described as “anger turned inward,” because it often results in harsh self-criticism and suicidal violence. Many suffering from anxiety lash out at others when their routines are upset or they are forced out of their comfort zones. Eighty percent of those diagnosed with bipolar disorder become irritable when manic. Aggressive behavior is also frequent. Resentment is a driving force in addiction to alcohol and drugs. Many alcoholics and drug addicts become angry and violent when under the influence (1).

Even though you may not be diagnosed with an anger disorder, you may believe you have an anger sickness. The fire of rage may burn in you, and you feel powerless to extinguish it. You may see yourself as a “rageholic” or “grudgeholic.” Your anger may take on an addictive quality. You both love and hate being intoxicated with it. One patient admitted to me, “My anger gives me a rush that exhilarates me for a minute—and then it turns against me.” If you wonder if you are addicted to anger, ask yourself the following questions:

·       Do you often feel overwhelmed by your aggressive impulses and unable to control your temper?

·       Do you consider your anger excessive, even crippling at times?

·       Do you feel a secret pleasure in the sense of power your anger gives you?

·       Does your preoccupation with the unfairness of life and being wronged interfere with your happiness?

·       Does your need for power and control seem excessive, interfering with your relationships?

·       Has your life become unmanageable because of your anger?

·       Do you feel hopeless about finding a cure for your anger?

You may discover, if you are honest with yourself, that you both love and hate your anger. On the one hand, it gives you an adrenaline rush and you feel momentarily powerful. You take pleasure in standing up for yourself, telling people off, or intimidating others to do your bidding. Revenge can feel sweet. On the other hand, after your aggressive displays, you feel shame and guilt for your behavior. You hate being out of control. The broken relationships and the hurt you cause those you love make you grieve. Anger can act like a stimulant drug that energizes you and causes you to act insane. “Mad” and “madness” share the same root word.

You may think of addiction only as a chemical dependency on substances like alcohol, drugs, or nicotine. You may even consider some compulsive behaviors, like gambling, shopping, and over-eating or over-sexing, addictive. Nevertheless, mood states and habits of thinking can also possess an addictive quality. For example, anxiety, fear, and worry may act like a stimulant drug. You become preoccupied with the dangers in life, worst-case scenarios, and a sense of helplessness, so you withdraw from life into a safety zone. Sadness and a depressed mood may simulate a sedative-hypnotic, causing you to sleepwalk through life. You focus on past painful losses and disengage from the present. You can become stuck in these moods and ways of thinking, powerless to extricate yourself (2).

As helpless as you feel in the grip of anger and hatred, there is a way out. Your desperate sense of hopelessness can be a prelude to new life.

STEPS TO A NEW LIFE

The most effective recovery program for the many forms of addiction, including anger, was born in the United States—the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a distinctively American technology for healing, growth, and leading a better life. Initially begun by Bill Wilson for alcoholics, its approach to addictive behavior has been so successful that those with a host of other problems, such as gambling, sex addiction, and over-eating, have benefited from working the program. Its practical wisdom can help anyone serious about personal growth, not only those with emotional and behavioral disturbances.

While uniquely American, the Twelve Steps of AA also has a universal appeal because it is rooted in common-sense human wisdom. Grown in our native soil, it is a flowering of seeds planted from the beginning of our history as a nation. What is so American about this program? AA is built on the following values:

Rugged Individualism. Our pilgrim predecessors sailed across the ocean to the new world on a quest for freedom. They wanted independence from the political-religious establishment that persecuted them. They left their familiar home to begin a new life. They affirmed the dignity of the human person. Looking inward and trusting their own experience, they undertook a courageous journey. Questioning their inherited traditions, they took personal responsibility to build a new life for themselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous encourages its members to take responsibility for their own lives, not blaming others, and to seek freedom from their oppressive addictions. Just as the Lone Ranger had Tonto, the program also emphasizes the need for companionship on the soul-searching journey of recovery. AA is a fellowship of rugged individuals who walk the road less travelled.

Moral Idealism. Our ancestors came to found a nation that promised liberty and justice for all. Contrary to the monarchy of their homeland, they established a democracy in which all would have a voice in the government. Our Puritan founders were deeply religious and wanted all to exercise freedom of conscience in choosing their own beliefs. They undertook an “errand into the wilderness” and saw themselves as missionaries bringing their faith to the Promised Land.

The AA program is spiritual without aligning with any religious denomination. It invites its members to look inward, discover their own Higher Power, and live a value-directed life.

Practical Action.  We Americans are impatient with idle speculation. We are a people of action who set goals, plan strategies, and get results. Our ancestors taught us to work hard to achieve our goals. We want a better life now, and not just in the afterlife. We are willing to try new technologies to improve the world and our lives.

Alcoholics Anonymous encourages that enterprising spirit. It offers practical wisdom and insists that its members actively work the program. Diligently working the program, with the help of God, promises results.

Pioneering Spirit. Our pilgrim ancestors left the security of their homeland and undertook a perilous voyage to an unknown land. They built a new home for themselves, but they did not settle down. Their curiosity and courage drove them to explore unfamiliar territory to the west. An adventurous spirit possessed them. They did not rest with convention, but displayed minds and hearts open to the new.

The steps of AA defy conventional wisdom as a path to healing and growth. They propose an upside-down therapy, a surprising path to recovery. However, upon deeper reflection they reveal an ageless wisdom, a trustworthy guide to the good life. The Twelve Steps can be summarized in four leaps of faith beyond ordinary expectations:

·       Embrace the discomfort of your anger and learn its message. Don’t try simply to control or get rid of it.

·       Trust in your Higher Power. Expand your ordinary consciousness.

·       Your anger is not the problem, only a symptom of the problem. It reveals where you may be stuck in life. Explore and remove the character defects it shows.

·       Help yourself by helping others. Move from an anger-driven life to a value-directed one.

Working the steps leads you to the antidote to anger—forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that involves letting go of your anger and your desire for revenge against those who wronged you. It also requires transforming the energy of your anger into compassion and kindness.

The word forgiveness (fore-give) means, “to give ahead of time.” As giving, it is an act of generosity, a gift. Given ahead of time, it is offered before it is deserved or earned by the offending party. You forgive for your own sake, to free yourself from bondage to your wrath. The miracle of forgiveness is that you are healed by extending yourself to the one who harmed you.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This book is divided into two parts. The first four chapters of part one describe what anger looks like, its similarity to addiction, how it develops, and how it shapes the personality. The second part presents an overview of the Twelve Steps and how each of the steps can be used as a practical guide to recovering from and growing through anger. Practices are offered as recovery aids. The case examples are composites of the stories of various patients, with details changed sufficiently to protect their confidentiality.

The Twelve Steps arose from a group experience. Bill Wilson consulted with many others, formed support groups, and refined the steps. The steps were formulated from the experience of alcoholics who gathered with a common goal, to become sober and improve their lives. They gathered in small groups to share their life experiences and work the steps. Within the fellowship they found support, understanding, and hope.

Anger is often treated in a group setting, such as anger management classes or therapy groups. You cannot heal from your addiction to anger alone. You need the support and encouragement of others on this perilous journey. I recommend that you use this book, not alone, but with at least one companion. It may be a therapist, a spouse, a close friend, or another who also struggles with anger. For example, I have several patients who use the exercises in the book and talk about what they learn in sessions. You need good company to succeed.

You may decide to join a support group. Many anger management groups focus on learning to control your anger. I suggest you view anger as your friend, not your enemy, and learn to listen to its wisdom. You may seek out a group like Emotions Anonymous, which uses the Twelve Steps as a guide for working through and learning from various emotional struggles, including anger.

My dream is that groups emerge that use the Twelve Steps specifically for developing a healthy relationship with anger. I would call them Anger Anonymous groups. You may feel inspired to gather a self-help group yourself. You are not alone in your suffering.

If you choose not to join with others, you can benefit from working with this book alone and using the exercises at the end of the chapters to aid in your own recovery. The steps need to be worked, not just thought about. For personal transformation, they must become a daily practice. Habits, which can prove stubborn, require concerted effort to be changed.

Family members can also benefit from this book. They can come to understand and accept their own sense of powerlessness to overcome the anger addiction of their loved ones. They need to resist being pulled into your anger and becoming anger addicted themselves.

Mental health professionals who treat angry patients may benefit from the book’s presentation of a new way to think about anger and its treatment.

Clergy and religious authorities may appreciate the book’s suggestions that a spiritual outlook and practice can enhance psychological wellbeing. It may provide them with a new way of looking at spirituality, presented in contemporary, this-worldly language.

At the heart of the anger addiction is the desire for control and power. Being out of control, not getting what you want, is the cause of your suffering. Anger arises from your unfulfilled expectations. It gives you a temporary feeling of power when you really feel helpless. As you work the steps, you will gain a different perspective on power, as expressed in Tao te Ching (3):

 

The Master’s power is like this.

He lets all things come and go

effortlessly without desire.

He never expects results;

thus he is never disappointed.

He is never disappointed;

thus his spirit never grows old (55).

 

A mind rejecting reality fuels anger. My wish is that this book may aid you in surrendering to the abundance already present in your life. Living with calm acceptance and gratitude is the way to a joyful life.

 

Book of the Year finalist

For more posts about Dennis and his books, click HERE.

For more book excerpts, click HERE.


Sign up for the MSI Press LLC monthly newsletter
(recent releases, sales/discounts, awards, reviews, Amazon top 100 list, author advice, and more -- stay up to date)

Follow MSI Press on TwitterFace Book, and Instagram. 

Interested in publishing with MSI Press LLC?
Check out information on how to submit a proposal.

Planning on self-publishing and don't know where to start?
Our author au pair services will mentor you through the process.

Interested in receiving a free copy of this or any MSI Press LLC book
 in exchange for reviewing a current or forthcoming MSI Press LLC book?
Contact editor@msipress.com.

Want an author-signed copy of this book?
Purchase the book at 25% discount (use coupon code FF25)
and concurrently send a written request to orders@msipress.com.
Want to communicate with one of our authors?
You can!
Find their contact information on our Authors' Pages.

   
MSI Press is ranked among the top publishers in California.
Check out our rankings -- and more --
 HERE.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

In Memoriam: Carl Don Leaver

A Publisher's Conversation with Authors: Book Marketing vs Book Promotion