Weekly Soul: Week #47 - People are the lessons (Craigie)
Today's meditation from Weekly Soul: Fifty-two Meditations on Meaningful, Joyful, and Peaceful Living by Dr. Frederic Craigie:
-47-
In
the school of life, difficult people are the faculty. They teach us our most
important spiritual lessons, the lessons that we would be most unlikely to
learn on our own.
Mark I. Rosen
Civility has outer work and inner work. The
outer work, if not easy, is at least straightforward. You listen to people. You
give them a chance to speak. You communicate that you’re enough interested in
understanding them that you’re willing to hold off on coming at them with your
own opinions or rejoinders. You allow the possibility of a seedling
relationship to grow.
The inner work can be more challenging. How
are you going to position your heart so that you are able to reach out in
civility to someone who feels like the enemy? The outer work of civility takes
place in the realm of behavior; the inner work takes place in the realm of
attitudes, beliefs and perspectives.
Some attitudes and perspectives make it
very difficult to engage with somebody in a civil way. If you buy in to the
premise that a difficult person is thoroughly evil, culpable, and deserves to
suffer (and let’s be honest, these thoughts go through your head, too, yes?),
then you really can’t be curious about their life in any believable way.
Other perspectives open the door to the
outward work of civility, at least a crack. For MLK, it was the reminder that
returning hate for hate “only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the
universe.” For Thich Nhat Hanh, it is the belief that the people we experience
as difficult are often suffering themselves, as victims of misunderstanding,
cruelty or abuse. For Donna Red Wing, Bob Vander Plaats, and Daryl Davis, it is
the conviction that looking for the shared humanity in somebody else holds the
potential to transform walled relationships.
Mark Rosen adds an additional perspective
to the inner work of civility. Difficult people are our teachers.
Jacki (you’ve read enough of these stories
to recognize that’s not the real name, right?) is a mid-forties woman who has a
painful traumatic background. She was sexually abused as a child and again in
her first job when she moved away after college. Neither of the perpetrators
was either accountable or repentant. In the case of the adult rape, Jacki’s
allegation became public, without any resolution. The abuser was a prominent
person in the community and had a reputation for local generosity and
benevolence such that the criticism and shame fell much more to Jacki than to
him.
Jacki says that these experiences have
made her the person that she is. She has had lessons about unmerited suffering
that she otherwise would never have had. She has learned to be resilient in the
face of criticism. She has come to recognize that she always has choices in how
she responds to life events. “I can choose to wallow in self-pity or I can
become who I’m meant to be.” And she has decided that advocating for and
supporting other women who have had similar experiences will be a central part
of her own life journey going forward.
Although she has no interest in any
relationship with the adult abuser, Jacki sees this person occasionally in the
community and is able to interact with him in a civil way. “Every time I see
him,” she says, “I remind myself that I wouldn’t be the person I am without him
and that I can make the whole thing less about him and more about what I’ve
learned and what I’m continuing to learn.”
Seeing difficult people as teachers allows
us to step back from the emotions of the moment. It moves our experiences and
reactions into a larger landscape. It offers the possibility of opening up some
new lessons in how we’re going to live our lives.
Reflection
- What is your experience in
learning from difficult people in your life? Think of a particular person.
Even though your experience with this person may have been unpleasant, how
would you put into words some way in which this person has helped you to
become the person that you are?
- From a spiritual standpoint,
as I suggest, civility pertains both to outward behavior and to the inner
life that undergirds it. How do you think that your inner life of
thoughts, assumptions and beliefs affects your ability to be civil in your
outward life?
- Jacki doesn’t use the word forgiveness.
Is what she is describing, in fact, forgiveness? Or is forgiveness in some
way different?
- In the coming week, notice
someone whom you experience as difficult. Think of this person as the
faculty in your school of life. What might he or she be there to teach
you?
Author
Mark I. Rosen, Ph.D. is an expert on
organizational life and behavior, presently serving as associate professor in
the Hornstein Jewish Professional Leadership Program at Brandeis University. His
research and teaching have particularly focused on leadership and management in
Jewish nonprofits, and on elements of Jewish life in families and communities. The
quotation comes from his 1998 book, Thank You for Being Such a Pain (Three
Rivers Press). A scholarly man with an
apparently robust sense of humor.
Book Description:
Keywords:
meditation; reflection; inspiration; miracles; aliveness; purpose; laughter; joy; presence; mindfulness; activism; acceptance; gratitude; forgiveness; creativity; civility; hope; affirmation; wholeness; well-being; mental health; personal growth; transformation; inner peace; personal reflection; joy; joyful living; inspirational quotes; inspirational commentary
For more posts by and about Fred and his book, click HERE.
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