Guest post from MSI Press Author, Dr. Dennis Ortman: Life's Joy

 

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LIFE’S JOY

“What can separate us from the love of Christ?”

--Paul of Tarsus

 

“I’ve never been happy. I don’t believe I’ll ever escape my misery,” my elderly patient lamented. She had suffered from anxiety her whole life. She was its prisoner. “I’m always worrying about something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Anything can cause me to panic,” she explained.  I asked her, “Who would you be if you didn’t worry?” She responded honestly, “I don’t know. I wouldn’t know myself. That would be even scarier!” My patient had constructed an identity around her illness. She could not imagine living without it and the misery it caused her. 

Another patient of mine was terrified of leaving the house. She insisted she wanted to feel free to go out and socialize, but still stayed home to feel safe. I asked her, “You say you want to go out, but still stay home. Which is true, what you say you want or what you do?” Both, in fact, may have been true. She felt hopelessly conflicted, not knowing what she really wanted for herself. She saw herself trapped in miserable indecision. 

After thirty years of practicing psychology, I have come to this shocking conclusion: many people love their illnesses. They live as if addicted to their misery. They complain about their physical, emotional, and mental suffering, but seem to cling to it for dear life. Consciously, they hate their painful conditions, but I suspect that secretly, perhaps unknown to them, they love them. For them to change and let go of their fears, sadness, or anger would be terrifying. They identify with their wounded states that restrict their lives. The familiarity gives them comfort. To venture out from the protective walls of their illnesses would take them into unknown territory. They would have to take full responsibility for their lives in pursuing their deepest values. 

I often ask my patients, “What would you do if you were not so depressed or anxious?” Some confess they don’t know. They live at a distance from their own desires. Others give me a list of things they would like to do. I then ask, “What keeps you from doing what you want?” They respond, “My emotional state.” I challenge them, “Why do you give your moods so much power over your life?” I wonder to myself if giving in to the moods is easier than pushing themselves to pursue their values. Their illnesses give them an excuse not to engage fully in life. 

When we suffer deeply from physical, emotional, or mental problems, we may feel powerless. We come to believe that misery is our natural state. The Buddha taught that the first noble truth is that life is suffering. Jesus commanded his disciples to take up their crosses and follow him. That suffering is an inescapable experience of life needs no proof.

But is misery our natural state? Or are we born to be happy? Since suffering is unavoidable, is it possible to find joy in it? Where do we find a lasting joy in life?

 

RELIGION’S RESPONSE

The best teachers of religion are the community of believers, not the official ordained ministers who proclaim doctrines. Those in the pew teach by how they live and give an accounting of their faith. What kind of faith does the average believer profess? Do they demonstrate by their lives and attitudes that we were created by God to be happy here and now, or only in the afterlife? 

Nearly all Americans report that they believe in God (92%), even though an increasing number are not affiliated with any church. They label themselves more spiritual than religious. What kind of God do most of us believe in? According to research, God has many different faces for us. Nearly a third (31%) professes faith in an Authoritarian God who is a wrathful, sin-hating deity. He rewards good deeds and punishes evil acts. Nearly a quarter of Americans (24%) view God as distant, residing in heaven. He is the uninvolved creative force behind and above the natural universe. Sixteen percent believe in a Critical God who monitors us closely, enforces His justice, and makes everything right at the end of the world. Another quarter (23%) trusts in a Benevolent God of mercy, who forgives sinners and brings peace to the world. (Diana Butler Bass, Christianity After Religion, New York: HarperCollins, 2012, pp. 49-50). 

It is noteworthy that the vast majority of us (77%) have a more negative than positive view of God. He is a God who inspires more fear than love. This God scrutinizes, judges, or stands aloof. Our view of God translates into how we behave as His believers. We see ourselves as made in His image and likeness. Many of us believers, then, become watch guards and harsh judges of ourselves and others, or we withdraw from this corrupt world. We are preoccupied with sin and guilt, living in fear of punishment. The stain of original sin marks our lives. Life for us becomes a vale of tears with moments of consolation. The words of the Baltimore Catechism guide our life: “God made us to know, love, and serve Him and to be happy with Him in heaven.” We now fight the good fight to be rewarded with eternal happiness in the next life. 

From the perspective of a majority of believers, misery with moments of happiness now is our natural state. Lasting joy is a divine gift for the afterlife. 

Fortunately, nearly a quarter of believers profess faith in a Benevolent God of mercy, love, and compassion. This group, I believe, comes closer to the heart of authentic religion in what they profess as truth. The word Gospel means “good news.” What is that good news? That God loves and cares for us every moment of our lives. He comforts us in our afflictions and forgives our failings. He remains faithful to us, even when we are unfaithful to Him. In fact, this loving God dwells in our hearts, in all of us, and in the entire universe. As St. John wrote: “God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” (I John 4:16) 

The fruit of love is lasting joy and peace. St. Paul affirms the power of love in the midst of our earthly trials. He writes: “Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Trial, or distress, or persecution, or hunger, or nakedness, or danger, or the sword?...Yet in all this we are more than conquerors because of him who has loved us.” (Romans 8: 35, 37) Those whose lives are dedicated to loving God and their neighbor wholeheartedly are promised triumph over their sufferings. Even in our sufferings we can find joy now, and not only in heaven. 

From the perspective of a minority of believers, misery can be overcome here and now through faith in the power of God’s love. When we see His presence in ourselves, in others, and everywhere, we gain confidence, strength, and peace to live fruitful lives. In fact, the signs of authentic religion are cheerfulness, friendliness, and kindness.

 

REASON’S RESPONSE

“I can’t get no satisfaction!” is the complaint I hear daily in my therapy room. Most of my patients come to see me because they have been on a misery-go-round for some time. They don’t know how to get off. I invite them to become scientists, close observers of their lives, to understand the cause of their pain. Most believe that unpleasant events, circumstances, and people cause their suffering. However, closer examination with their wise minds reveals that it is their reaction to what is happening to them that brings them so much distress. If they are willing to dig deeper into themselves with their intelligence, I assure them, they can find a path to contentment. 

Not surprisingly, our reasoned search together leads to many of the conclusions of authentic religion. Ancient wisdom affirms the overlapping of reason and faith in the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment. For example, the philosopher-Caesar, Marcus Aurelius, advises: “Dig deep; the water—goodness—is down there. And as long as you keep digging, it will keep bubbling up.” (Meditations, 7: 59). If we dig deep enough, we discover our innate goodness, our divine likeness, not our sinfulness. Living out of our sense of goodness brings peace. Marcus Aurelius further recommends: “Go within. Nowhere you can go is more peaceful—more free of interruptions—than your own soul. Especially if you have other things to rely on. An instant’s reflection and there it is: complete tranquility. And by tranquility I mean a kind of harmony.” (4: 3) Peace and joy come from a sense of inner harmony with ourselves, others, and nature. 

When my patients come to see me, they are torn apart by inner conflicts. Their turmoil overflows into their relationships. They are at war with themselves and long to be happy. They tell me about their problems and the dire circumstances of their lives. Then, I invite them to look inwards. I assume that they are so painfully conflicted because they are not living from their true nature, which I believe is one of happiness. So I ask, “What keeps you from being happy?” Exploring that question, we begin the work of untangling those resistant emotional/mental knots, often caused by faulty learning from childhood and society. 

When we are anxious, depressed, or angry, we sense that something is missing in our lives, robbing us of the happiness we crave. Often with a sense of desperation, my patients ask me how to find relief. I assure them that they have the answer within themselves, but don’t know it. I tell them, “Just spend some time alone with yourself. Pay close attention to what emerges, and see what you learn about yourself.” I invite them to undertake a fascinating and frightening journey of self-discovery. 

Over time, if they take the risk to look honestly inside, they discover they cling to things that will never give them lasting joy. They look for satisfaction in the wrong places. They mourn for and fear losing what they mistakenly believe would guarantee happiness—health, status, possessions, comforts, approval, relationships, and so forth. Their pursuits may not match the largeness of their heart’s desires. Yet they resist giving up these familiar satisfactions. Disappointment inevitably follows the clinging. 

They also begin to listen to the deeper longings of their heart for lasting peace and joy, without limits. The highest truth, the noblest beauty, the purest goodness fascinate them, and they cannot settle for less. They discover their deepest desire to love and be loved, perfectly and forever. It dawns on them that only by dedicating themselves to their ultimate concerns will they be set free. I tell them, “Those longings express your true nature. Now what can you do to feel more alive?”

Both reason and authentic religion point in the same direction. Our fulfillment and lasting delight can only be found in living out of our ultimate concerns, our highest values, following the angels of our better nature. We may suffer for being true to our convictions, but we will still feel an underlying joy. In the end, it is all-inclusive love that satisfies our deepest aspirations.

 

THE JOY OF LOVING

Pursuing happiness is like chasing the wind. If sought directly, it eludes us. In reality, contentment is a byproduct of living a good life, however we personally define it. Reason and religion suggest that the pinnacle of a good life is one lived in selfless love. Love brings us lasting joy, as even the romance novels testify. Misery, on the other hand, results from being alienated from ourselves and others. 

Authentic love arises from a realization of the common life we share with one another. Let me offer some suggestions for cultivating a sense of belonging with others and finding joy: 

Pay it forward:

We Americans take pride in being rugged individuals who raise ourselves up by our bootstraps. In reality, however, we stand on the shoulders of others. A moment’s reflection reveals how are lives have been shaped by the contributions of countless individuals—family, friends, teachers, and others. So many have enriched our lives, enabling us both to survive and thrive. We need to take time daily to remember even the small acts of kindness and service we have received from others that day. That recollection will inspire gratitude, which in turn, will motivate us to be generous. Then, we will find ways of paying it forward from the abundance we have already received. 

Keep balanced:

We all entertain high expectations for our lives, and suffer many disappointments. Eventually, we learn that everything, whatever happens to us and whatever we do, is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. We feel cursed when we get what we want, and blessed when we do not. If our immediate preferences rule our lives, we will feel tossed about on a stormy sea, barely keeping afloat. However, if we learn to accept whatever comes with patience, attuned to the hidden blessing, we can steady the boat. We can keep our eyes on the horizon and guide our lives to our desired distant shore. There we find peace. 

Love your fate:

We all share a common lot in life. We are subject to fate, events beyond our control. Some happenings please us, while others do not. We instinctively react to what happens to us with a sense of helplessness. Even though we have little control over our fate, we are always free in how we respond. For example, if we become ill, we may hate it. But the fact does not change. We are still sick, and additionally feel miserable about it. However, if we embrace our illness, and even love it, we may be surprised at what we learn. St. Paul reminds us, “We know that God makes all things work together for the good for those who love Him.” (Romans 8: 28) We can love God through our sickness and offer it up to Him. Then, even illness can be an occasion of intimacy with God and joy. 

Cultivate compassion:

All of us want to be happy and avoid suffering. However, none of us can escape suffering because we live in a world in which everything passes away. We are born to die, and to lose everyone and everything we hold dear. Our lives become an endless series of attachments and losses. Grief is built into our nature. That can be a cause of lament or joy, depending on how we respond. Our inevitable losses may make us either bitter or better. They can either close or open our hearts. Through our suffering we can develop a tender heart that reaches out to others in compassion. Our mutual support in our shared sufferings can create lasting bonds of love and joy in life. 

Have sympathetic joy:

We all experience joys and sorrows, often in alternating periods. If we are sad, just wait. Happiness is around the corner. If we are happy, the mood can change in an instant. Times of joy may seem rare, and therefore precious to us. So we cling to those moments. When we see others happy, we may become jealous, especially in our dark moods. We want what they have. However, if we recognize the life we share with all, their joys and sorrows are also ours. As we commiserate with them in their difficult times, we can rejoice with them in their good times. Imagine how our joy increases if we sympathize with the happy moments of all around us. 

“Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel,” the French dramatist Jean Racine famously observed. We all experience the tragedy of life. No one escapes. At times our sorrows and fears may be so intense and prolonged that we come to believe that misery is our natural state. We believe distress is our only destiny. However, if we dare to dive deeply into our experience with an open mind and sincere faith, we discover that the heart of the universe is love. By living in love we come to know ourselves and the God of love. And in love we find lasting joy.

For more posts by and about Dr. Ortman and his award-winning books, click HERE.

Click for more posts on joy, happiness, depression, grief, anxiety, and psychology. 

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