Guest post from Dr. Dennis Ortman: EMBRACING DISAGREEMENT
“My
actions are the ground upon which I stand.”
--Five
Remembrances
“We Americans are suffering an epidemic of loneliness,” commentators
observe. Many reasons are suggested for our social isolation: the pandemic, our
obsession with social media, our excessive individualism, our competitiveness,
and so forth. I can validate this assessment in my work as a clinical
psychologist. Many of my patients complain: “I’m depressed and so lonely. I
feel disconnected from others, and even from myself. I don’t know how to be
intimate. I’m not comfortable in my own skin.”
Of course, the antidote to loneliness is having good
conversations, both with ourselves and with others. We experience a sense of
joy and meaning in life when we feel close to those we love. Intimate
relationships grow through our communicating with others at ever deeper levels
about what matters to us. We listen with an open mind and heart and reveal our
deepest thoughts and feelings. However, such closeness can be terrifying. We
make ourselves vulnerable, at risk of being misunderstood and rejected. We reveal
ourselves in our uniqueness and meet others in their singularity. The encounter
is ripe for painful contentious disagreements. But the joys in taking the risk
are limitless.
When we engage in honest and open dialogue with others,
misunderstandings and disagreements are not just possible, but inevitable. We
meet as individuals with our own desires, interests, and perspectives. Yet our
relationships survive and thrive in the working through of these unavoidable
conflicts.
The cultural and political polarization we experience as a
nation today mirrors the estrangement we feel in our everyday relationships. We
seem to have lost the ability as a nation to engage in good conversations. I
believe that the foundation of democracy is not fair elections and freedom of
speech and the press, as important as they are, but the willingness and ability
to have good conversations with one another. The free exchange of ideas and the
willingness to disagree and debate allow us to exist as a society dedicated to
the pursuit of happiness, liberty and justice for all.
Good conversations nourish relationships, while poor
communication destroys them. Stifling disagreement undermines respect for
others and intimacy.
What is our attitude toward those who disagree with us? Do
we attack them for their differing ideas? Or do we merely tolerate them? Or do
we avoid them? Or do we welcome and embrace them and their opposing views in
our common search for truth?
FEARFUL RESPONSES
In our social and political conversations these days, many
of us feel threatened when others disagree with us, especially when they are
impassioned about their point of view. In the face of disagreement, I observe
three common responses: fight, flight, and freeze. These spontaneous defensive reactions
suggest an insecure attachment style of relating. It results in an avoidance of
intimacy, of an open and honest discussion. Let me explain.
Fight:
“I’m right and you’re wrong!” When we feel threatened by
disagreement, our natural instinct may be to fight for ourselves. We want to
attack first and ask questions later. Our emotional survival is at stake. We
become aggressive in defending our position and ourselves, insistent upon being
right. Often, our mind is made up before engaging in any conversation. We don’t
really listen. Disagreement feels like a personal attack. “How dare you
disagree with me; you are disrespecting me,” we tell ourselves. We desperately
need to be right and cannot tolerate being wrong. Our sense of self-esteem is
at stake. So we fight back to protect our turf and feel in control. From this aggressive
perspective, relationships become power struggles that unfortunately can become
fights to the death. Dissenters become enemies. In the struggle, we destroy the
other, the possibility of relationship, and our own wellbeing.
Flight:
“I don’t care. What I think doesn’t matter!” Disagreements
may feel so overwhelming that we refuse to engage in any meaningful
conversations. “We cannot know what’s really going on or make a difference
anyway,” we tell ourselves. So we withdraw from conversations about what
matters and dismiss our own opinions. Expressing our opinions involves making a
commitment we dread. It binds our freedom. Deep down, though, we feel so
insignificant and powerless, that we avoid intimacy with anyone, including
ourselves. We don’t want to know, fearful we might discover our own emptiness. Also,
we don’t want the burden of responsibility of relationships. Our refusal to
talk hides our low self-opinion and the threat of exposing it. From this dismissive
perspective, we disengage both from relationships and from life, withdrawing
into our own worlds for protection and safety. Loneliness, then, follows like a
shadow.
Freeze:
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Entertaining opposing views
may challenge our loyalty to whatever group we belong. “I hate conflict,” we
tell ourselves. We desire to be loved and adopt the views of those we admire
and of the groups to which we belong. So we avoid disagreements with those
either inside or outside our group. We go along to get along. Our safety is in
following some crowd. In reality, however, we feel desperate for approval from
others and fear standing on our own. We become passive and submissive, refusing
to think for ourselves, to avoid being abandoned. Critical thinking is
dangerous for us. It leads not only to a rejection of our ideas, but of our
person. Group loyalty demands the programming of our thinking, reinforcing our
biases. From this clinging perspective, our mind and emotions are frozen,
unable to flow with the reality of our lives.
Despite the frequent stifling of good conversations,
wholesome communication is possible. From my experience with my patients, it is
more widespread than the news media leads us to believe.
WHOLESOME
COMMUNICATION
“I look forward to good conversations, not just with people
I care about, but with everybody I meet.” Feeling secure in ourselves, we are
free to explore the vast world of relationships and competing ideas. “I love a
good debate. I get to voice my opinion, hear different points of view, and
learn from others,” we tell ourselves. We welcome disagreement as an
opportunity to clarify and express our views. After all, a knife is sharpened
by a stone, not sand. In humility, we are aware that we do not possess the
whole truth which is beyond the capacity of any single person or group. We
depend on others who give us feedback to keep us honest and sincere in our
pursuit of it. Self-deception is a constant threat. We do not take disagreement
personally and can separate persons from their ideas. “I love you, but hate
some of your ideas,” we can say with sincerity. From this open-minded
perspective, intimacy grows.
Our communication styles have deep roots in our childhood,
psychologists tell us. The quality of our emotional bonding with our caretakers
shapes the way we relate with others throughout our lives. If a child forms an
insecure bond with a parent who is abusive, neglectful, or inconsistent, he
grows up mistrusting himself and others. Fearful of rejection, he adopts fight,
flight, or freeze styles of relating to protect himself. However, if he
experiences a secure bond, feeling loved and accepted, the child grows up with
a sense of personal security. He is able to explore freely the wonderful world
of relationships and ideas.
Most of my patients have experienced some ruptures in their
emotional bonds with their parents and come to me for healing. Many feel
desperate for approval and dread criticism. Disagreement can be barely
tolerable for them. I tell them, “Your critics are your most beneficial
teachers. How can they harm you? They may give you feedback you never
considered. After you consider it, if it is true, you can thank them. But if
you discover it isn’t true, you can just ignore it.” I also ask them to
consider, “How can whatever anyone says or does to you affect the core of who
you are?” They respond meekly, “I guess it can’t.” I explain, “It is only what
you do, how you choose to live, that shapes the person you are.” Our work in
therapy is to grow in self-confidence to become our best self.
EQUANIMITY
Another name for character-building self-confidence is the
virtue of equanimity. It can be defined as mental/emotional stability,
even-temperedness. Margaret Cullen, a psychologist and Buddhist teacher,
defines it, “The ability to fully feel the entire range of human experience.
But feeling without reacting. Reactivity clouds our ability to clearly
apprehend what is happening or to discern the most skillful response.”(Quiet Strength, New York: HarperOne,
2026, p. 13) The word has Latin roots: from “aequus” meaning “balance” and
“animus” meaning “spirit.” It refers to a balanced spirit or state that is both
calm and animated at the same time. When we practice this virtue, we are fully
engaged in life, but not overwhelmed by it. And when we are flooded by emotion,
we are able to calm ourselves quickly. Hit hard by life, we can roll with the
punches.
I tell my patients, “Emotions are fleeting. The
physiological response to an emotion lasts about ninety seconds. It is only
natural to react. We cannot and should not stop them. However, what intensifies
and prolongs our emotional reactions are the stories we tell ourselves.” My
patients admit how often they are hijacked by their feelings, dwell on what
happened, and imagine terrible outcomes. Horror stories and tragedies play in
their minds. They long for equanimity, an engaged and tranquil mind.
The Buddha described this stabilizing state when he famously
said, “Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are
not affected by praise or blame.” From the Buddhist perspective, we are
continually assaulted by “eight worldly winds:” pleasure and pain, gain and
loss, praise and blame, fame and disgrace. We are tossed about in the storm of
life by our desperate pursuit of pleasure, gain, praise, and fame. We believe
we cannot be happy without them. We also engage in hateful flights from pain,
loss, blame, and disgrace, telling ourselves we cannot survive them. If we have
equanimity, we become like a gyroscope, keeping our balance as we wobble
through life.
Equanimity is one of the “Four Immeasurables,” the supreme
Buddhist virtues for ethical living, common to all the spiritual traditions:
compassion, sympathetic joy, and lovingkindness. These are the “four flavors of
love.” What helps us keep our balance is grounding our lives in the pursuit of
these life-guiding values, instead of our fleeing impulses. They promise
boundless joy. Compassion is the willingness to suffer with others and bring
them relief. Sympathetic joy celebrates the good fortune of others without
rivalry or jealousy. Lovingkindness seeks the wellbeing of all without
discrimination. A life centered on these core values shelters us from being blown
away by the worldly winds.
How can we cultivate the self-confident attitude of
equanimity?
EXERCISES
The following are some exercises to promote equanimity:
Follow the Breath:
Most of my patients believe that the challenging events of
their lives make them miserable. I point out that it is not the event, but
their reaction to it, that creates their mood. I enquire, “When you are sound
asleep, where are your aches and pains, your worries and moods?” They respond,
“I don’t feel anything when I’m asleep.” “Then when do the problems begin?” I
ask. “When I wake up,” they answer. “And what happens when you wake up?” I ask.
“I begin to think about the day,” they say. So I invite them to observe closely
their thinking and its consequences in their moods. I explain that their
thoughts are like passing clouds, while their wise mind is the blue sky.
We experience our consciousness as “a wild monkey mind” that
jumps all over the place. To observe our thoughts we need to quiet down first.
The following is a traditional “calm-abiding” meditation. Following our breath,
which signifies life and Spirit, helps focus our attention beyond our thoughts
on the experience of the present moment. Much of our emotional turmoil results
from our inability to live the present moment fully. Instead, we ruminate about
past regrets or worries about the future. Yet, only the present moment exists.
For this exercise, find a quiet place. Sit in a relaxed
position with your hands open on your knees. Breathe deeply, slowly, and
regularly from your abdomen. Do not take shallow breaths from your chest. Now
focus all your attention on the rising and falling of your breath. Follow
closely the sensation of your breathing. You will immediately notice how
distracted you are by intrusive thoughts. When you are distracted by the
thoughts, gently refocus your attention on your breathing. Avoid struggling
with the unwanted thoughts. Just acknowledge their presence and let them pass
without dwelling on them. Enter into the silence of the moment. Practice this
simple procedure for just a few minutes when you feel emotionally out of
balance. You can do it anywhere and at any time by quietly withdrawing within
yourself. Appreciate the calmness it brings.
Mountain Meditation:
When we struggle with the ever-changing events of our lives,
we tend to overlook our innate strength, bravery, and resourcefulness. The
following meditation invites us again to go beyond our thoughts and connect
with our imagination. Our thinking is rooted in our unconscious mind that
manifests itself initially in images. In her book on equanimity, Margaret
Cullen recommends a meditation she learned from her teacher, Jon Kabat-Zinn. It
is “a visualization that allows us to harness the quiet strength of the mountain
within our own bodies.” (pp. 128-30)
For this exercise, find a quiet place and sit in a relaxed
position. Close your eyes and picture a beautiful mountain. It may be one you
have seen or one you create in your imagination. Allow yourself to see its
rocky contours, massive size, and solid, unmoving nature. Sit and breathe with
this image for a few moments. Next, see yourself embodying the mountain, as if
you are the mountain. Experience the mountain’s solid base in your body, its
rootedness to the ground and reach to the sky. Consider all the changes a
mountain experiences, bathed in sunlight, buffeted by storms, and standing tall
through the weather and season shifts. Notice its stillness throughout all
these changes. Now experience your own unwavering rootedness, like the
mountain, in the midst of the changes and storms of your life. Regardless of
the unpredictable, uncontrollable weather, you remain stable and strong.
Five Remembrances:
We are creatures of habit. We react to the ever-changing
happenings of our daily lives from our interpretations of our past experience.
When our current experience does not match our engrained expectations about how
we imagine our lives should be, we are knocked off balance. Disappointment and
resentment set in. The resultant suffering is life’s way of alerting us that we
are resisting or distorting what is real and true. We gain tranquility and
wisdom when we surrender our illusions and ground our lives in reality. What is
real and true is our rock, not the passing storms of illusion.
To aid in this process of self-examination and right
thinking, we can reflect on the Buddhist Five Remembrances. They invite us to
focus on the impermanence of our experience, avoid clinging to what cannot last
or satisfy, and commit to an ethical life:
1.
I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape
old age.
2.
I am of the nature to get sick. I cannot escape
sickness.
3.
I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape
death.
4.
All that is dear to me and everyone I love are
of the nature to change. I cannot escape being separated from them.
5.
My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot
escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I
stand.
Lasting joy captures us when we accept the passing nature of
our world, which we cannot control, and act in ways suggested by the angels of
our better nature. Only our actions, which we can learn to control, have
lasting value. Living with integrity, based on our intentionally chosen values
rather than our automatic fleeting impulses, provides the solid ground for a
fulfilled life.
Our loneliness reveals our hunger for nourishing
relationships, for intimacy. Real closeness springs from our willingness and
ability to have good conversations, respecting the uniqueness of each person
and their opinions. Unfortunately, we often feel threatened by those unlike us who
challenge us. We pay the price in agitated isolation when we refuse to embrace
them. However, the antidote to our self-inflicted estrangement is to grow a
more secure sense of self by cultivating the virtue of equanimity. When we
become more self-confident and intimate with ourselves, we are free to engage
in life-giving healthy conversations with others.
For more posts about Dennis and his books, click HERE.
For more information about this book, click HERE.
To purchase copies of this book at 25% discount,
use code FF25 at MSI Press webstore.
Want to buy this book and not have to pay for it?
Ask your local library to purchase and shelve it.
Check out recent issues.
 |
Follow MSI Press on Twitter, Face Book, Pinterest, Bluesky, and Instagram.
Interested in publishing with MSI Press LLC?
Check out information on how to submit a proposal.
Planning on self-publishing and don't know where to start? Our author au pair services will mentor you through the process.
Julia Aziz, signing her book, Lessons of Labor, at an event at Book People in Austin, Texas.
Check out our rankings -- and more -- HERE.
Comments
Post a Comment